I didn’t do any of the things I listed.  I didn’t even workout at all. 

I sent the fraud a text on Thursday night -  something sweet and nostalgic about the storm rolling in.  No response until the next day at noon.  “I did get your text last night.  I didn’t know how to respond, still don’t.  Other than to say, I am find of those moments to”

I guess he meant fond…

All of that love we had for each other, all of those moments, the laughter, the togetherness.  It didn’t mean anything.  It’s like it was just an insignificant second date.  That lasted 20 months.

I’ve got to leave for my second Therapy Session.

Back from Therapy….

So as I was walking out the door to leave for therapy, THERE IS THE FUCKING FRAUD WALKING UP TO THE UNIT A FEW DOORS DOWN!!!!!!!!!!.  WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?   

Of course, I ignore and do not see.  I do not see.  I lock my door. I do not see.  I hurry to my car.  I do not see. I start the engine and back out.  I do not see. I drive by to the exit.  I do not see.  I’m out.  I start to cry.

Dear Jesus, I am so tired of crying.  

I mean this is a fucking strong lesson that I have learned here and I get it OK?  Don’t date people where if it doesn’t work out you will be forced to see them every day.  There’s no “out-of-sight-out-of-mind” working in your favor of getting over it.  They know your home sulking for 2 months straight.  They know no one is coming over to see you.  

UGH it’s the worst.    

This Week:

I had my first therapy session on Tuesday.  I'm not sure that it is going to help. 

I also joined an online dating site.  Oh it's so Creepy!  The guys that email me, wink at me, or whatever else are just ..... AWFUL!  Sometimes I want to reply "Seriously?! What in the world makes you think it's even possible that I would be interested in YOU?!?"  And I don't even mean that in an arrogant way at all!  There is that big of discrepancy.  Plus, I'm sooooo freaking skeptical of each and every profile.  I do not believe that they're going to turn out normal.  I'm not going to be able to leave my profile up for long - it's jut too much and it's creeping me out.

My ex is a jerk.  That's the only thing that makes sense.  It's hard when you  really believe someone cares about you and then you find out that they do not - at all...

Ugh I really fucked up and sent him a text this week.  No good came from it as could have been predicted.  Only confirmed he's having zero second thoughts.

I have to change who I am.  I obviously cannot be happy the way I am currently going about it.  Of course there’s a part of me that is reluctant to change. But I can’t deny the facts.  I am miserable.  I’m finding it hard to find the will to keep on living.  I can’t keep going this way.  I have no one.    I feel repellant to others; like some hideous monster that people run screaming from.  I can’t look in the mirror and find anything I like.  I can barely look myself in the eyes when I look in the mirror.  So filled with self-pity for that poor girl looking back at me.  Wondering what she had done in the past to deserve such a mid-life sentence of  fucking loneliness and sadness…good grief, that sounds so melodramatic

Things I can change:

Quit smoking pot

Quit smoking period

Go to church

Take an art class

Reduce cable subscription (so as to not be as lazy)

Apply for a job at a store

Apply for temp job

Take Real Estate course