I have to change who I am.  I obviously cannot be happy the way I am currently going about it.  Of course there’s a part of me that is reluctant to change. But I can’t deny the facts.  I am miserable.  I’m finding it hard to find the will to keep on living.  I can’t keep going this way.  I have no one.    I feel repellant to others; like some hideous monster that people run screaming from.  I can’t look in the mirror and find anything I like.  I can barely look myself in the eyes when I look in the mirror.  So filled with self-pity for that poor girl looking back at me.  Wondering what she had done in the past to deserve such a mid-life sentence of  fucking loneliness and sadness…good grief, that sounds so melodramatic

Things I can change:

Quit smoking pot

Quit smoking period

Go to church

Take an art class

Reduce cable subscription (so as to not be as lazy)

Apply for a job at a store

Apply for temp job

Take Real Estate course